Journal Entry: May 9, 2013 | Reflections with Rhonda


It is 1: 30am and I am wide awake. Possibly from my mid morning nap but I doubt it. I feel anxious. My heart is racing as if in anticipation of something, but I do not know what.

Just moments ago, I thought I heard my name being called from the dining room area. Everyone is sound asleep, their snoring is a sure indication of that. Realistically, I know it is my imagination; my mind playing tricks on me. Thinking I need to get my Resperidone increased.

In my attempt to lose weight with juicing, I am secretly hoping my body will heal itself. I have read several articles where juicing has restored eyesight, cured cancer, reversed Alzheimer’s, and improved mental clarity. Keeping my fingers crossed that it will take away my anxiety/depression, cure Lupus, and improve my vision with the side benefit of losing weight.

No one in this house understands what I am going through. They are even down right cruel at times because I miss work and they have to continue on their way to work and/or school. I have tried to explain it is an illness in my head that pops up due to an imbalance of dopamine in the brain. However, because I don’t look ill they just don’t get it.

My son even mentions I don’t leave my room or go outside. Says I should get some fresh air and go to the gym. He doesn’t understand that when my anxiety is high it is hard for me to leave my bedroom. Others believe I need to eliminate stress.

In honesty, I do not really have a lot of stress. Due to the imbalance even the smallest tasks are overwhelming. I panic over a sink full of dishes, mound of laundry, a spill, etc. Anything major when I am in this state will result in a complete breakdown. I have no control and that is why I take medication.

There has been an improvement. Instead of missing weeks of work at a time, it is a few days per month. Feel like recovery is near.

At 2am I was finally able to relax enough to sleep. The problem, little girl wanted to cuddle. She laid directly on my face. I had to move my face just to breathe. After 20 minutes she was kind enough to get off my face and laid beside me. Little girl is demanding.

This morning she was awake before the rest of us, so she decided to walk all over me for some morning loving and to be fed.


I had read a book describing self meditation. It is where you close your eyes and watch your thoughts until it all falls to the background and you can find peace. I have always done a healing sleep, but thought I would give this a try.

It was amazing. I am not sure how long I watched my thoughts, but I know I meditated for 3 hours. When I came out of the meditation, my jaws were no longer tense nor did they click from the TMJ. I felt relaxed and peaceful. It has been a long time since I felt this calm. Definitely going to practice this more often. Much better than a healing sleep for my stress.

I spent the remainder of the day cleaning the house. Yes, I left my bedroom. If the weather wasn’t raining and chilly, I would have took the dog for a walk and sat outside.

Day 4 Juice Feast/Fast.

Started my morning with 2 tablespoons of lemon juice followed be room temperature distilled water.

My juice chosen for the day consisted of 1 orange, 4 celery stalks, 3 carrots and a handful of spinach.


I think I will prepare a tomato soup again for dinner. It was warm and filling. Granted a broth would be better on a juice fast; however, I am finding dinner to be a chore. May take a little while to cut that out altogether. Otherwise I need a flavorful broth. Any suggestions?

Battling a chocolate craving. Think I will grab a Reese Peanut Butter Cup. No diet will work if you feel like you are depriving yourself.